Don't Mess With a Classic

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I admit it: I am a picky eater.

There are classes of things I don't like (e.g, seafood), specific foods I don't like (e.g., mushrooms), and classes of things I don't like in specific circumstances (e.g., gourmet foods on pizza -- hell, I don't even really want vegetables on my pizza). Sometimes its the taste (seafood again), sometimes its the texture (mushrooms again) and sometimes its the taste, or lack thereof, combined with the texture (tofu). I also like to be able to identify the components of what I am eating.

Dating is always an adventure. Sharing is either tough for me or boring for my suitor. Sushi invariably comes up and becomes an argument.

"Have you ever tried it?" Yes. I'm 34 now, and have lived in Baltimore, Atlanta, San Francisco, and San Diego. C'mon people.

"You'll like [insert restaurant]'s. Their's is the best." By this time, we've usually established that I don't like anything that lived in the water. No preparation will change this -- it still tastes like fish, crustacean, eel, etc. If you ever take me out and I eat seafood, it means I REALLY like you.

I could just claim I'm allergic, but as a matter of pride I don't. I could claim I'm Jewish, but then I couldn't order anything with bacon. It's not even that the foods make me gag -- I just want something I like if I'm going to pay that much for it. I don't care what you order, and it doesn't disgust me to have it one the table.

There are two ways for a picky eater to order food. One is to ask about everything in the dish, and reject it or modulate it. If it's as simple as asking people to hold the olives, I may do that. Not wanting to sound like Sally, though, I usually go for option #2: order something safe. (In most sushi restaurants, that's the chicken teriyaki.) Which brings us around to the today's title.

Monday I ate out. I found a little Italian place on 5th with a cheap but drinkable house Chianti. The first time I had the spaghetti and meatballs, which were excellent. This time, I tried the chicken parmesan -- a classic safe dish for me: breaded chicken, sauce, and mozzerella. What could go wrong?

Mushrooms. It came to the table with pasta on the left and something mountainous covered in slightly burnt cheese to the right. I cut into it thinking, "Wow, that's a lot of chicken!". Nope -- what it was was a mountain of mushrooms atop a fairly normal sized serving of barely breaded chicken. As the mushrooms, cheese, and sauce were melted together, they ended up on the now empty bread plate together. And I had pasta with breaded chicken.

Last night I stayed at home because someone was supposed to call me about dinner. They never did. So, already in a bad mood, I ordered in pizza and a Caesar salad. As I was alone, I got to pick the toppings on the pizza, so what could go wrong? Olives and tomatoes. I usually like tomatoes, but I'm not a fan of olives. Neither, though, belong on a Caesar salad.

When I order a classic dish, I expect it to be prepared as I've had it 100 times. Is it wrong for a chef to experiment? No. Just put it in the menu so the picky (and allergic) can make an informed decision. I'm not going to order chicken parm with mushrooms; however, find a way to add bacon and I'm your man.

Speaking of Italian classics, it looks like there is an attempt to remake the Sopranos coming. Except that it will be on network TV, it's about a family of rum barons, and Jimmy Smits heads up what Newsweek suggested was an attractive Latin cast. There's a spin on a classic that's right up my ally.